Day 8

I was watching The Chosen today and there is a scene in season 5 where Judas is talking alone with Jesus. Judas doesn't understand why Jesus isn't doing what he (Judas) thought he should.

Two things in this scene hit me so hard.

First, Judas gets angry when Jesus won't take his advice and basically asks, 'then why am I here? If you won't listen to me, won't use my gifts and talents, then why ask me to follow you?'

Watching the scene, it was so obvious to me that it's not about God using Judas' talents or skills, it's about Judas having a relationship with Jesus, just following, being in His presence, and trusting.

But I know I've thought the same way. I wanted to use my talents, wanted to see my skills and efforts bring results in ways I thought were worthy. I haven't had the patience to see there might be another way. Or I've been too arrogant to think there might be a better plan.

It's a great reminder that it's really not up to me, not in my power, not about my talent. That is a relief, but also humbling in a way my ego wants to fight.

Second, is the moment Jesus gives an answer that Judas can't accept. You see the break in them both. Jesus is hurt because he knows what's coming and he knows what Judas wanted to hear, but that wasn't the plan. Judas can't accept the truth, can't accept Jesus' response. The relationship is broken.

I can remember a very specific moment for me where I can put myself in this scene. It was the first time I clearly heard God speak to me and I didn't like the answer. In fact, I was so adamantly against it, that I basically said, "forget you, I'll do it myself".

I cringe at the audacity and ignorance, but I can also see Jesus' pain in the moment. It wasn't an answer I could accept. It wasn't one I could understand. God knew how I would react but He didn't change His answer. He let me walk away...and suffer the consequences.

It's painful seeing myself so clearly in Judas. Growing up in church, we only ever briefly heard Judas mentioned and it was always as the villain. I had never given him any more thought. I mean, who wants to examine someone who is only known for betrayal and risk seeing themselves in him?

But seeing Judas differently today and more specifically, relating to him, understanding him, and seeing myself in him, also makes me grateful because my story didn't end where his did. I get to appreciate the grace of continuing the journey and reconciling the relationship.

I guess the bottom line today is a reminder that I have a lot in common with Judas. Something to remember especially when it's more convenient to see Judas in others.