Day 5

I fight a lot - not physically but mentally and verbally. There are certain situations where I tend to object as a reflex.

A few examples from the past few days:

I object to going down (snowboarding) runs if I haven't seen the map and know exactly where they lead.

I object to changing the itinerary if I think it will take too long (entirely subjective).

I object to trying a restaurant if I haven't seen the menu.

I object to a detour simply because it wasn't planned (which may be the point and a good thing).

Not all of these objections were verbalized thankfully, but they were all arguments in my head at one point while I tried to get my mind to be reasonable.

Part of it is the logistician in me. I love to plan. I love excel spreadsheets and checklists. I want all the details. I want smooth and efficient and maximizing every minute.

But another part of it is control. I want to be prepared for anything and everything. I hate being caught off-guard. I hate feeling unprepared. I feel responsible for any problems because I didn't plan well enough.

I didn't control everything.

Clearly, there's some risk aversion underlying the control impulse. Sometimes it makes sense. As a beginner snowboarder, I wanted to ensure I didn't go somewhere I couldn't get myself out of on the mountain. As an intermediate snowboarder, I can trust myself to navigate most terrain and, for the most part, keep myself from getting into bad situations. There's less reason to object or to be controlling about snowboarding runs. And yet the objections pop up.

There's zero risk in changing the day's plan from driving to this hike to driving to that hike instead. But the same mental objections jumped up.

"I don't know that hike."

"I haven't looked at the map."

"I don't know how long it will take."

"Do I need different gear?"

But really, the main objection was that it wasn't my plan.

I think I've gotten so in the habit of planning everything and being responsible for everything, that sometimes it's actually somewhat alarming for me to have other people make decisions, or even suggestions.

I don't know when or how I got into this habit of objecting, but it's been around for a while and probably won't disappear overnight.

I'm grateful for other people's perspectives, suggestions, and ideas. It makes things fun and expansive. Everything new or unplanned doesn't require a fight, even if I have to remind myself of that sometimes.